I want to please you. Yes, I do, as do most people. We are taught to give and giving makes us happy. After studying the Wheel of Consent™, I have a new understanding of giving and receiving. I am able to step back and look at my actions and the actions of others around giving.
A couple years ago, I offered to help a friend out during his hip replacement surgery. I love to cook and thought that I would head to his place to “help” by making ready to eat meals for him in vast amounts, so he didn’t need to cook for a while. As I am happy in the kitchen busy with my recipes, he keeps interrupting me with requests. I remember the moment when my inner voice (you know the one) annoyingly said, “Stop interrupting me, I’m busy in here helping you!” That halted me in my tracks and, I burst into hysterical giggles. I wasn’t in here helping him. I was in there pleasing myself. He wanted help off the couch, or needed a refill on water to take meds, or… whatever. I was doing what made me happy. Because of my Wheel of Consent training, I was able to push that voice away and shelve my pleasure in cooking to go help my friend. With great attention and joy. With what he really needed. Oh, man, talk about pleasure filling me up. I was doing the best thing for him in this moment.
As I am now aware of these dynamics, I can see this “I want to please you, my way” happening around me. I have a wonderful client who every month would bring me boxes of candy. He loves to buy gifts and is so thoughtful. But he never actually asked me what type of candy I liked. Sometimes I received my favorites, sometimes the neighbors got my gift. Armed with my new skills, I shared with him my appreciation of his gifts and let him know that if he really wanted to please me then I wanted Russel Stover’s creams or a box of thin mints. Now, he is getting what he wants, the pleasure of buying me a gift. I get what I want, my favorite candy. Win! Win!
Think about how this might play out on a movie date. How are you choosing the movie? Is it what you really want to see, or what you think your date might like? Let’s get even more intimate and talk about pleasing during a sexual experience. Your lover says to you, “I want to please you. I want to “A”, then “B” then “C”, giving you the best most explosive orgasm EVER!” You can see the excitement in their face and hear it in their voice. They are ready to please you.
Do you like ABC? Will ABC lead you to orgasm? This is them being in the kitchen cooking. They haven’t actually asked you, “What would you like me to do to you?”
So, what happens now? Do you feign excitement and go along with ABC? Your partner is trying to please you and you are trying to please them by not hurting their feelings. Who is getting what they want? No one.
It’s hard to speak up sometimes. A healthy relationship allows for you to give your partner the information he/she needs to please you to the best of their ability. As I shared above, when I knew I was doing the exact thing my friend wanted help with, I was filled with joy. Because that’s all I really wanted in the first place, was to please him.
I can help you discover more pleasure in giving, in receiving, in relationships, and in conversations with friends and co-workers. Offering your desire to give to others exactly what they need with an open heart is truly fulfilling.